October 30, 2003
my website is updated. Mostly.
my website is updated. Mostly.
There are some tedious stylistic issues yet to deal with. Maybe I won't deal with them at all. I kind of like the fact that I can pretty much tell where I was, geographically, by whether I have black on white with blue links or white on black with red links.
Before I decided that putting a picture of myself on the homepage was too foolish and vainglorius even for a homepage, I made thalisha take some photos of me and edit them. I did find the results very pleasing, even if I decided not to use them. So I share.
October 27, 2003
How to Be A Good Customer By Not Being A Complete Jackass
How to Be A Good Customer By Not Being A Complete Jackass
1. Take your time and get your damn order right. We understand that you make mistakes and we are sure that you are a very nice person, but really that doesn't make us want to kill you any less when we find out that your sugary complicated drink was, in fact, a completely different sugary complicated drink.
2. Being friendly is okay, but please accept the fact that there are other customers behind you and that we are supposed to serve them as well. Now is not the time to try to impress the girl behind the counter by reciting your homeric life history to her. (Trust me she's not that easily impressed).
3. Keep an eye on your children, and for god's sake don't give them a scone. Children don't eat scones. They just tear them up into little pieces of carbohydrate confetti and throw them selves a little ticker tape parade. Then we have to clean it up and fantasize about imposing some sort of maoist one child policy on the country.
4. You know that joke you were going to tell us about how the tall is a small and how wacky that is? Yeah. We've heard it. Here's your coffee Mr. Seinfeld.
5. Similarly, asking if we have any coffee is not funny. We hate pretending that it is. Don't make us. (Except for the time when some joker asked me this and my store had acutally ran out of coffee, that was glorius).
6. Try not to order anything that violates known physical or logical laws. Asking us to put ice in your hot tea before it is done steeping will leave you with some water with a tea bag floating in it. That's not my fault. That's just the way chemistry works. And asking for a no foam cappucino is an act of unforgiveable stupidity. We can't really respect you afterwords.
7. See that thing behind us? That's a menu. It works just like a restaurant menu. It tells you what things are and how much they cost. Use it.
8. Regular is not a size. Regular means not decaf here. Small, medium or large work quite alright if you feel silly saying tall, grande or venti. I understand.
9. Attention: Dirty Old Men. In all of my long years at Starbucks of met precisely one cute barista girl who was prone to sleeping with dirty old man customers. I don't know what the odds are of you finding her but they can't be good.
10. Why are you leaving litter on our condiment bar, on our drink hand-off area and on our bathroom floor? Is it too much trouble to just spit on us?
At the Movies
At the Movies
Ianthus: notice the production company's name is 'focus'?
Us: yup.
Ianthus: it's pretty blurry, their logo.
silence pervades
Ianthus: that's funny.
Me: You're using the word 'funny' to mean 'stupid' again, aren't you?
Ianthus: yes.
October 25, 2003
Fold For Easy Storage Well,
Fold For Easy Storage
Well, I didn't get much done in the bay area, but a good time was had. Friends were visited, gin was consumed and irate neighbors were roused by the loudness of our music and horseplay.
Watching the kitchen over at one market is enjoyable and not just because the chef is a badass. We watched with a certain fourth grade fascination as he killed a lobster. It twitched as he cut of its head.
So much of our enjoyment was derived from watching these little badnwidth chewers that it would be criminal for me not to give link and spread the meme.
http://www.heavengallery.com/fenslerfilms/
Nod toward Peter for finding these babies.
I also learned that attaching a definite article makes something more scary. I may or may not beware of dog, but I certainly will beware the dog.
and now's the bit where I fall asleep.
October 23, 2003
I Am Too Black and
I Am Too Black and Blue
A lot of people don't like Lucinda Williams. She has an odd, nasal and undisciplined voice. Sometimes her singng has a flatness too it that can be difficult (I'm pretty sure this is an artistic affect, it certainly is in the song 'Sylvia' ). She sounds too country for some people. There are many otherwise adventurous people who can't hear a southern accent or a fiddle without their entire brain snapping shut. (what are you afraid of, hepcat? Slippery slope to chewing tobacco and voting republican?)
Oh and, yeah. On every album she's got at least one song that is really, really boring.
But, occasionally she just sings songs that smash my cold bastard heart into a million pieces. And this is glorius. Ripping me open and damaging my internal organs with sentiment, that is glorius. I think "I Asked for Water (He Gave Me Gasoline)" does this to me. So does "Metal Firecracker," "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road," "Side of the Road" and "Drunken Angel."
Way to go. Way to kick my ass.
October 21, 2003
How to Hold Down Your Job At Starbucks
How to Hold Down Your New Menial Job At My Store and Not Be Hated by Your Coworkers
or
How to be A Green Apron Monkey Just Like Me
1. Show up, and when you do, show up on time. Seriously, Woody Allen was right about this one, although his judgment on fucking young girls is quite questionable.
2. Know your asshole from your earhole. Remember that being at work is subset of surviving in the real world. Don't put forks in the electrical socket, in the blender, or in your own eye. If a word means something in the outside world, chances are it means the same thing at your new job.
3. If someone criticizes you for some errant action, and points out that it is okay because you are new, it is not an allowable move in the language game to get huffy and point out that you aren't that new.
4. It is quite alright to argue with me so long as you don't mind being wrong. If you don't like being wrong, don't argue.
5. For God's sake do not be sensitive. Listen I know what they taught you in school, that being sensitive was admirable and correct. But remember those were mostly English teachers saying that. It is their job to be about as wrong about things as an educated person can be. Being sensitive can cause you to take things personally which is a mistake because that leads you to think that I think of you as a person. Really, I don't know you and I won't get to know you for a couple of months at least. You will be like a beautiful butterfly. You will metamorphose from a pain in my side into someone that I don't wish to smack. Or I will torture you until you quit.
6. The best way to keep us from making fun of you is to not say risible things. Please do not share with us the whys and whats of your fickle digestive system. It is a proven fact that shooting fish in a barrel is really very fun. Don't give us the opportunity to be bastards. We'll take it.
7. Statistics show that there is a significant positive correlation between you quoting corporate blather from some binder at me, and you being torn apart by wild packs of dogs.
8. Don't memorize any mission statements. It will make you happier.
9. You are smarter than you think. If you learn a few things you can guess and deduce your way to mastering the rest of them.
10. But you are as dumb as I say you are. When you make a mistake you feel shame. That is normal. I'm going to give you hell and make fun of you for it because it will make it that much more memorable for you. See #5
11. Due to a tragic misunderstanding of the first amendment, many people think that they ought not to be criticized for saying dumb things. Offenders will be made to read On Liberty and the Justice's Holmes's "Marketplace of Ideas" dissent until they can truly summarize the idea of free speech for me.
Which Family Guy Character are
Which Family Guy Character are you? Take the Quiz!
Not very smart quiz, but I think I would like to take this time to wallow in my idolization of Brian.
Now where's my martini?
October 19, 2003
Poor Impulse Control
Poor Impulse Control
I realize that I am the last person on the planet to have read Snowcrash.
It's goofy, but not without merit. It's clunky, there's a lot of big ideas whanging into each other. The ideas it is crafted from: Julian Jaynes, Noam Chomsky and Richard Dawkins popping shrooms and arguing on a ferris wheel.
I prefer The Diamond Age. (It should have been called A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer, the cowards). It was more opinionated, less action pic-y. And the "how it all ties together" chapter in Snowcrash reminded me of one of those Christian novels where the main character explains the book of revelations while the others go "Gosh!" and "Well, Jebediah what can we do to stop this anti-christ fellow from writing the evil U.N. declaration no. 469616?"
I think reading is like dating. Writers are suitors trying to win over us coy maidens. Snowcrash was a smart strapping young lad, a bit nervous and full of himself. He talked up his heroes a bit much, but he was a charming doof and I let him feel me up. Thereafter however he proceeded to grab my boob and yell "honk! honk!" Wherupon he was swatted and sent home. I'm not really mad though. I will consent to see him again.
I Always Forget to do
I Always Forget to do Quizzes
This is what Briggs-Meyer says about me at 1:30 on a Saturday. (sober, thank you)
| ISTP - "Artisan". Impulsive action. Life should be of impulse rather than of purpose. Action is an end to itself. Fearless, craves excitement, master of tools. 5.4% of total population. |
my scores were pretty evenly split. I'm an agreeable person.
Introverted (I) 62.86% Extroverted (E) 37.14%
Sensing (S) 51.28% Intuitive (N) 48.72%
Thinking (T) 56.41% Feeling (F) 43.59%
Perceiving (P) 63.16% Judging (J) 36.84%
Reason is and should be a slave to the passions. But a very honored slave.
October 18, 2003
Don't Lets Start
Don't Lets Start
This is somewhere high on the world politics worst case scenario handbook.
I endorse most of Drezner's commentary on this, including the scary accuracy of the Malaysian Prime Minister's diagnosis of what is wrong with Muslim societies.
I was lucky enough to take a middle eastern political economy class from Elias Tuma, a wise and tireless advocate of better relations between the Muslim and Christian world. (He is a Palestinian Christian, so he'd better be). I imagine he must be horrified right now, to hear about this hateful speech. Especially so because the analytic portion of it, the talk of Islamic countries using wealth to buy the trappings of modernity without instilling the deep running development of scientific discovery, that was the essence of what I took away from Tuma's class.
Meet one of the enemies of world peace (yes, yes there are others) and he understands many things very well.
October 17, 2003
Micheal Kinsley Hits a Nail
Micheal Kinsley Hits a Nail on the Head
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1101031013-493326,00.html
I'm Going To Swallow My
I'm Going To Swallow My Tongue
I've been trying hard not to think about who are governor is.
Not for any ideological reason. California has been put into an Argentina position in that there is really only one solution to our problems and it is going to require higher taxes and lower spending. Who we elected was basically going to be a cosmetic decision on who's going to get the shorter end of the stick when it clocks us in the head.
But you know the groping, the delusions of grandeur, all that bugs me. I don't actually trust the man.
I don't like having to grit my teeth and try very hard to ignore what kind of man is in the mansion.
October 14, 2003
Not Good
Not Good
Ah. Roommate bought the good scotch. Good boy.
I really, really like movies. But I rarely buy them. I have a really random VHS collection because almost all of them are gifts. I have some MST3K Fight Club, Lock Stock, Chasing Amy and Ghost World.
It is a good thing that I have Ghost World because I'm in love with Enid.
I'm not in love with Thora Birch, no, I'm in love with Enid.
Not that we'd be happy together or anything. She's pretty cold and bitchy and I'm not good at dealing with that. But we don't get to pick who we're in love with and I'm in love with a fictional character.
October 12, 2003
Listen to Us, It Will
Listen to Us, It Will Save You Some Trouble When You Find Out You Were Wrong
I came across this interview with Arvind Panagariya via Arts & Letters Daily .
Though most of the interview is sing it the church gospel, there are a few things that I quibble with. Even though protectionism is more widespread in developing countries it may be more damaging in developed countries. Being that we have more money in the developing world it hurts more for third world producers to be shut out of the US or EU.
Then there is the matter of agricultural subsidies. Yes, only a handful of third world nations will directly benefit (chiefly Brazil, I think). Some importers of food may well be hurt. But we're still talking about a net gain, its just that Oxfam isn't quite entitled to their lofty rhetoric. And that is about all there his to his little counterpoint to agricultural liberalization. It's still a good idea, just not as good an idea as its proponents think and certainly not for their reasons.
caveat: I have done little hard research on this subject and I happily leave that to some smarter than me grad student. But I'm pretty sure the numbers are out there waiting to be uncovered by analysis.
Note to Openers
Note to Openers
You may have some questions about tonight's close. I think that I can anticipate these questions and I shall do so in a Q&A format.
Q: Is this worst close ever or what?
A: By any measure we know of, yes.
Q: You guys didn't do any prep for us.
A: That isn't a question. But we ran out of most of the stuff to make the other stuff with.
Q: Where's the money at?
A: In the drop boxes where we normally temporarily store twenty dollar bills.
Q: Why the devil is it in there?
A: We would have liked to put it in the safe but were unable to.
Q: Why can't I work the safe?
A: Because it shorted out and caught on fire.
Q: Did all the money burn inside?
A: We don't know. We were unable to open the safe after it caught on fire. We flipped off the circuit breaker after it was evident that it was an electrical fire.
Q: Did you call the help desk?
A: Yes. I told them the safe was on fire. I added that it wasn't working because that seemed like a side issue at the time. The technician seemed rather flummoxed on that point. He asked if anyone had tampered with it. I admitted that I do not spend all my time with the safe. The conversation deteriorated from there.
Q: Electrical Fires smell really bad. Did the customers notice?
A: Sort of. We were saying things like "Oh my God the safe is on fire!" They were saying things like "is my frappucino done yet?"
Q: If I have any other questions can I call you?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: After I go home and complain on my blog I'm going to heat up that bottle of sake I've been saving since my birthday. Then I'm going to drink it. Tomorrow I'll be hungover. Hungover and barbecuing lamb with friends. Do not bug me. I will be very happy. You will not. Do not bug me.
October 06, 2003
Lenny Bruce is Not Afraid
Lenny Bruce is Not Afraid
sigh . . .
a little post-recall hangover here.
I responded to california's political crisis the only way I know how. Drinking and bellowing karoake at La Carniceria.
I heard the song "Gimme Shelter" on the way over and . . . It seemed appropriate.
but I don't know the song well enough to butcher it karoake style. Too bad.
But it served its purpose. I acted as foreground dancer to "Bust a Move" and Treated everyone to a bloodcurdling parody of "Creep." I was too drunk to drive back to Sac safely, so I ended up doing that wandering around downtown hungover looking for my car thing.
I was reconciled to Schwarzenegger being governor a few weeks ago. He was going to be able to say no to certain interest groups that Democrats can not. He might be able to lessen the budget crisis, although he'll have to raise taxes, I'm sure of it. All the other candidates had given me reason not to vote him. Ueberroth oversaw (or failed to oversee) gross violations of antitrust law during his tenure as baseball commissioner. Bustamonte wanted to put a price cap on gasoline, which is the dumbest idea anyone espoused in the election who wasn't Arianna Huffington. McClintock was a social conservative and therefore a prick. Arianna Huffington is a confirmed nutcase who radically changes her mind about everything every three or four years. And then there's Camejo, whom I rather liked. But he is a member of the Green party of California and therefore represents a group of very silly people even if he was not in fact all that silly.
But all those charges that popped up disturbed. Remember Clinton? Now I personally thought the Clinton administration did a pretty good job and yes his personal life was irrelevant blah blah blah. But tell me were you happy to learn that your president was a liar, adulterer and kind of a creepy fucker? I wasn't. I am similarly not charmed by the Gropinator.
"It was the seventies. I've been on my best behavior for the last twenty years. Make that fifteen. I mean ten. Three years? Would you believe a couple months?"
-not an actual Arnold Quote.
October 02, 2003
I Shall Never Speak Ill
I Shall Never Speak Ill of Perko's Again
I have a hobby in collecting bad experiences.
I am not entirely sure where this came from; I think it had something to do with an early fascination with Nietzsche.
(I suspect you are terrified and puzzled to know where this is going.)
Part of what I got from my high school infatuation with Nietzsche was a useful piece of life advice. Try and imagine the most terrifying thing possible, then reconcile yourself to the possibility of its truthfulness. For Nietzsche it was the possibility that reality was just a predetermined set of events that rewound itself after a period - the eternal recurrence.
I do not have as dramatic a personality as Nietzsche did. I simply like to confirm that I can deal with experiences that well below par and that it can suck and suck and I'll be okay, even amused afterwards.
William Shatner's version of Hey Mister Tambourine Man? I downloaded the full version. Dungeons and Dragons - The Movie? I saw it in theater. Ever tried strawberry flavored fortified wine? I have, twice. Rod Mckuen's poetry? How about Leonard Nimoy's? Do you own a shirt made of Supersilk? What's the worst bar or club in town? Chances are, I'll be down there once in a while getting up for the downstroke to Baby Got Back.
I even owned a Geo for two (long) years.
Up until now I had yet to experience the worst meal ever. I like food a lot and the better the food, the more I like it. I like frau-frau emulsions and whatnot but I'm not actually very picky. Diner food has provided me with some pretty happy moments in my life and I am even grateful to Lyon's and Denny's.
Still I don't really like to eat at chains when I don't have to and especially when I'm traveling. Why not try that local place and see what the food is like far away from home.
Now, here's a piece of advice. Be adventurous. But be adventurous far away from truckstops. I don't know what is wrong with truckers. They need to be pickier. The food at the little diners near truckstops was uniformly horrible, such that I would pick the chain store in the gas station over it.
The worst culinary experience was near a truckstop in Santa Rosa, New Mexico. I wish I could remember the name of the place but I can not. So it still lurks, waiting for you. Beware.
How it worked
Part One: Green Salad. Mostly Iceberg lettuce with some other little green things in there. Dressed approximately fifteen minutes previously, leaving the green stuff sludgy and algae like. The amount of dressing was such that the salad easily could have been mistaken for a soup.
Part Two: Roll and Vegetables. Same roll you got with your hot lunch in elementary school, delivered by the cisco truck every third morning. The vegetables are green beans from a can. I do not desire to know what has been done to them by way of preparation. They look like the same texture as unidentified green stuff in salad.
Part Three: Fish and Chips, Sorta. Instead of chips, I got mashed potatoes so runny that they couldn't be convinced to stay in the corner. These were covered in a generous portion of canned white gravy of roughly the same consistency of the potatoes. There was no warning that there would be gravy of any variety on the potatoes much less the (non traditional) white gravy of doom. Since the plate and been garnished hapharzardly by a handful of chopped iceberg lettuce there was a goodly amount of lettuce in and on the gravy potato lake. (Why? What the hell are you doing? We don't give a shit about garnishes in the first place but if you are going to do it, why are you just tossing lettuce all over the plate, instead of trying to make it look better? The motivation baffles.)
The deep fried catfish battered in cornmeal and actually not too bad. Kinda hard but sort of thing you are willing to overlook. They gave me an orange wedge rather than a lemon wedge and I never did successfully get the waitress's attention to get some vinegar (I barely convinced her that I wanted a cup of coffee). There were a few packets of tartar sauce underneath the iceberg lettuce. I don't really like tartar sauce anyway but isn't a little disturbing that something that easy to make is dispensed in packets? Couldn't they at least have dispensed it in caulking guns like McDonald's?
So I ate most of it but not the green beans. I don't ever demand my money back or pull any of that asshole customer shit. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Sometimes you get bad food and being a twit about that really won't change anything. Because the truth is, bad as it was, ineptly as it was served it wasn't anything I couldn't handle without anything other than a minor stomach ache that lasted until Albuquerque.
Another bad experience down and handled.